Old.
I think “bon vivant” should be my 4th or 5th blog that i have changed.
I was doing blog-strolling when i saw an old friend keeping my old blog add,
I went in and read a few entries,
And was thinking: “did i think like that?, was i like that?”
I couldn’t stop laughing at myself.
Those were the days when i was just in sec 4 or poly.
Acting cute, being vulgar,
Screwing and cursing almost anyone.
Haha..
Years have passed.
Boy slowly turns to Big boy,
Slowly transits to the stage of Adulthood.
But……………………………
I was happy being me,
I was happy acting cute,
I was enjoying my poly life,
I was enjoying my own life.
4 blogs later,
I went back to the dusty old site,
And knew that i can never go back to then anymore.
I miss myself.
I miss my classmates,
I miss messing around with my buddies at school.
I miss leading my orchestra.
I miss being my chairman.
I miss chasing after skirts,
I miss making fun of the girls,
I miss dyeing my hair,
I miss alot….. alot….
And 4 blogs later,
I lost myself,
To the working life,
To the people i don’t like,
To my studies.
One asked me to think of a reason for leaving,
One told me i’m just lucky to be borned in this family,
One said follow your heart and regret.
One said have to be practical.
I have always lived in the shadow of people,
Listening and listening,
I lost the gutsy self when i lost a place in a uni,
I realised i lost many….
I lost what a perfect girlfriend,
I lost what many good friends,
I lost what i realli want to do,
I lost what i realli wanna treasure.
I always thot that i’m a lucky chap,
God don’t leave me to die alone.
He always leave a door open for me,
Just in case i needed it.
Right now,
I have lost my direction in Life,
I have lost not only one good friend,
But i lost quite a few.
I have many acquaintances,
I kept the bad ones,
Left the good ones.
I had the opportunity to play and study with them,
They were rooting for me,
When my dad went to appeal for my JC application.
They were there for me, waiting outside the principal’s office.
No one gave up on me,
I gave up on myself..
I was bent on being independent.
I began my poly life.
I worked,
And thot having money was good.
I missed playing sports with friends,
Go to the gym,
Eat after school.
I fought for my vice president seat at the club,
They paved the way for me,
I miss organising activities,
I miss going for events/functions in the school.
At the age of 23,
I learnt to squeeze with the morning crowd,
I learnt to bear when people stepped on my foot,
I learnt the need to chase after the bus,
I learnt to shed off the spoilt brat image.
We all,
At sometimes or another,
Feel like stepping back into our past,
See our own selves.
Will i have done this, Would i have done that?
Do i regret? Yes…..
All the girlfriends who were in my Life,
Who brought me joy in one way or another,
Who broke my heart in many ways,
Who taught me love,
Who never once left my side.
But i?
At the age of 23,
I lost Love.
I lost Trust.
I lost Simplicity.
I lost Myself.
They said,
I’m still young.
Love will come eventually.
Then what about Trust, Simplicity, Myself?
Will i still trust others that challenges should be healthy, not bitching?
Will i still trust myself, not to hurt the One i wanna spend my life with?
I know why i’m single,
She said i wrapped myself with guilt too much.
AN,SM,PF,HX,C,LP,GD,JC.
Are just some of the people i have hurt.
I distanced myself from uni classmates initially.
Then i got high-profile.
We have no intentions to make friends there,
We just wanna get our freaking degree,
And get out of there.
This is the last route that God has given me.
With Fairy Joy looking after me,
I read her letter to me over and over.
I must believe in myself.
Before i love another, I must learn to love myself.
To treasure what i owned,
Not to think if i’m lucky or not,
I may be lucky to be borned in this family,
But i’m stepping out of it.
It’s time Kel sees the world.
People have protected me enough,
I heard enough advices and pep talks.
Now it’s time for me to walk alone.
She told me, it’s just a process i’m going thru.
It’s not my final destination.
Stand up on my own,
Give it a fight before quitting.
Show them why you are meant for the greater things in Life.
Prove to them why you can be as calm as the water.
Influence them to put down the political sword and start holding hands.
Stand up for the right, and Lay down the wrongs.
I had a good life from child till now,
Now at the start of my career,
I seen many things i’m unhappy.
God is smart.
He let you see all the bad,
So that this bad happens once, and never again.
He wants me to correct the bad.
He wants me to pick up myself after the fall.
If he can make my prelims from 36,
To my O levels 13,
I believe he punished me for being the arrogance.
Don’t return evil for evil.
What happened in the past, Just let it go.
Let it be.
My life is just at the beginning.
One brought me for a swim,
She asked if i feel irritated to hear kids running and shouting.
She told me to jump in and swim.
Asked me if i heard anything when i was swimming.
Don’t let the environment change you,
Don’t let them be the reason for your change.
Focus on what you’re doing,
Those around you are just passerbys.
When you swim,
You hear no one.
Only yourself.
People may reach out to kick you,
But what doesn’t kill, only makes you stronger.
People are drowning, and cling on to you,
Bring them up, don’t sink with them.
This swim has enlightened me alot.
It refreshes my mind,
And let me pick up my love for swimming again.
It’s never to late to pick up what you left behind.
It’s only late when you don’t pick up.
This is Simplicity.
She told me i have found it.
I don’t let people into my private life,
She told me to share my experiences with others,
Give others the benefit of the doubt,
If you dare to share,
This is Trust.
Pick up Tea appreciation, or do something you really like.
Let those idiots go fight themselves.
Don’t you like reading?
Pick it up again.
Don’t let work and studies be an excuse.
Now,
Get ready to Love again.
Then,
You have found Yourself…
I’m feeling happy already.
Bye to the sad sad fellow.
It’s MY TIME NOW..
It’s only when you die,
Then you learn how to live.
I almost drowned when i was 7,
I made it alive.
I almost got killed by a road accident at 16.
I went to take my exam, with blood over me.
As long as you are determined,
No one, thing or whatsoever,
Can stop you……..
Is everyone feeling motivated like me now?
It’s time………………………….
WATCH ME RISE~
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